Still Good in the World

The world changed irrevocably on September 11, 2001. While I didn't lose anyone I personally knew in the terrorist attacks at the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and in Pennsylvania, I lost the belief that living in the United States meant being protected from outside forces of evil, that being an American meant things usually worked out okay. I was incredibly naive, obviously, bad things happen in America and to Americans all the time (e.g., Oklahoma City, Columbine, etc.). But 9/11 just destroyed any sense I had that things would usually work out and be okay.

On September 11, 2001, I was single, 28 years old, working, and had moved in with my parents after my Daddy had retired from the Air Force and they moved back to San Antonio. The first year they lived here I spent three to four nights a week at their house eating dinner, so it made sense to move in with them and save all that rent money for traveling and other adventures. In fact, I had a solo trip to Paris planned for February 2002.

The morning of 9/11, I was driving to work, listening to a CD in my car. When it ended, I switched over to the radio and heard the normally jovial DJs talking in somber tones about a plane hitting the World Trade Center. When I walked into my office, I headed for our conference room to turn on the TV and see what was going on. I found all of my coworkers already assembled, watching the news, some crying. Grasping the main details of the crash, I called my mother, who I knew was still asleep at home, and told her to get up and turn on the TV, something big was happening. Then, I called my Daddy at work to make sure he had heard. When I stepped back into the conference room, the second plane hit. Then, the Pentagon.

Realizing the United States was really under attack sent me into shock. I couldn't and didn't cry, not that day, not the first week, not the second week after. On Friday the 14th, I had plans to drive to Dallas, spend a night with my sorority sister and her family, then drive over to Granbury the next day and spend the night with my aunt before coming home on Sunday. My mom didn't want me to go, which now as a parent myself I totally understand-she didn't want me out of her sight, she wanted to know I was safe-but I didn't want to change my plans and felt bad for my aunt, who was all alone. My uncle, working in Poland as a contractor for the U.S. Treasury department, was stuck abroad and unable to fly home.

I listened to the 9/11 national memorial service on the drive to Dallas. 9/11 was all we talked about all weekend. I still couldn't cry. My sorority sister couldn't either, which made me feel better. When I got home, I slipped into what was definitely depression. I would go to work, then come straight home and immediately change into my pajamas, and watch the news and TV curled up on the couch in the family room with my parents. At the end of the second week after 9/11, I started crying and crying, about every 9/11 story on the news, in the paper, whatever. My mom, who cried the first two weeks and was starting to get over it, couldn't understand why it was all hitting me then, but it was. Then, I talked to my best friend from college and discovered that her first cousin died in the North Tower. He was on the 92nd floor. I had no idea anyone I knew had a direct connection to the attacks. I felt awful I hadn't known about her cousin. I made a contribution to a scholarship set up by his company in his name. I never told my friend. I just wanted to do something.

I don't remember what CD I was listening to in the car the morning of the attacks, but on my drive to Dallas, I heard a version of "Walk On" by U2 with audio of 9/11 interspersed through it. I bought the CD and played "Walk On" obsessively, on repeat, for the next three months, on my way to and from work. The lyrics, to me, spoke directly to the situation, and how I was feeling, and while I was listening obsessively in my depression, the song helped me heal.

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Still, what lingered was this sense that life would never be the same. That life would never be as good as it had been before 9/11.

I went through with my solo trip to Paris in Feburary 2002 (couldn't let the terrorists win), but I didn't enjoy it as much as my first visit in 2000. Instead of wanting to lose myself in Parisian life and culture as I did before, I felt my American-ness more keenly. Instead of enjoying my own company and the thrill of adventure, I just felt isolated and homesick. I was suspicious of people in airports, in the streets, on boat rides. I think I was still pretty depressed, and being alone, in a country questioning America's decision to go to war, did not help the situation. I was happy and relieved to get home safely.

Slowly, after that trip, my depression began to subside and the tide began to turn back to the good. In fact, amazingly, all the best moments of my life have happened in the last 10 years. In November 2002, I met my now-husband. We got engaged in 2003 and married in 2004. (We honeymooned in Lyon, France, and Geneva, Switzerland. It was a much better trip.) In 2008, we became the parents of our beautiful daughter, the light of my life.

In our wedding ceremony, the reverend, who was the chaplain at my university and who was and is a very dear man with a gift for uplifting messages, said something completely unexpected and perfect, that just hit me right in the heart and brought tears to my eyes at the time. He said that despite all that had happened in the last few years (obviously referring to 9/11 and the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq), that there was still good in the world and we should always look for the good. I love that, and love that he included it in his message during our wedding.

9/11 and the person I was at that time seems like a lifetime ago, not just 10 years. I can still see how our world has changed forever as a result of it. I am still changed because of it, although I no longer think about it every day, as I did for a long time. Every year around the anniversary, I have to force myself not to watch remembrance specials, because I see the footage and hear the recollections and the memories flood back. My chest tightens; I can't breathe. I have to stop watching. But I'll never forget.

I am actually going to be in Granbury this weekend, the weekend of the 9/11 anniversary. I am going up there for work and am staying with my aunt and uncle while there. When I made the plans to go, I didn't even connect the dates and the fact it was the 10-year anniversary to my trip. It seems like, as Oprah would say, a "full-circle moment."

Most likely, I will play "Walk On" on my iPod in the car on the drive up and remember. I will pray for those we lost that day and for those we've lost in war since. I will pray for those who loved all of them. I will pray for our country and for peace. And I will remember there's still good in the world. And I will thank God for all the blessings in my life these last 10 years.

"Walk On" by U2


And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind


And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong


Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight


You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom


Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight


And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on


Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the heart is


And I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on


Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind...

From America: A Tribute to Heroes, U2, "Walk On," Live from London, September 2001

One Year Blogiversary! More "Getting to Know You" Random Facts

One year ago today, I launched Glam-O-Mommy. I didn't have a real plan for my blog...I'm just a woman who writes for a corporation for a living who wanted to write about myself, my life, my daughter, and things that interest me. But mostly my feelings about and experiences with motherhood.

Glam-O-Mommy and S

Lately, I've been a bit remiss in keeping up with my blog. In December, I was sick or my daughter was sick and my husband had surprise shoulder surgery and the holidays were crazy and I just had no energy left over to give to it. In January, I got assigned to a huge, insane-making project at work and began having less of a work/life balance and more of a working-on-my-Friday-off-and-often-Sunday-nights-just-to-keep-up life and again, I've had no energy left over for the blog.

To top it off, I feel like I'm in a bit of a personal rut. I work, I spend time with my daughter and husband, I do tons of laundry, I try unsuccessfully to keep our house straight and orderly, I sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat.

BORED YET? Me too. Doesn't exactly inspire much in the way of insightful writing either. I mean, don't get me wrong...I have a really good life, with many moments of fun and love and beauty and I'm very grateful for all that I have, and yet I just feel like I want a little surprise, a little unpredictability now and then...just something. (Like my last post, about my adventures in San Antonio Snowland-that was unpredictable and surprising and thus, good blog fodder!)

Anyway, for my blogiversary, I thought I would share more "Getting to Know You, Getting to Know All About You"/Random Facts About Me, for your reading pleasure. In no particular order, here we go:

1. I have three playlists in heavy rotation on my iPod currently: all the songs I buy from Glee, Legally Blonde: The Musical (OMIGOD, you guys have to see it if you haven't-SO GOOD!), and "Children," which consists of the Backyardigans, Yo Gabba Gabba, Sesame Street, Sharon, Lois, and Bram, Laurie Berkner, songs from Mary Poppins, and Three Little Birds by Bob Marley. ("Children" is for my daughter S, obvs.)

2. Last weekend, I got my first mani-pedi in two months (SO not glam). My nails have really been suffering from my lack of time lately right along with my blog (see also: interior of my car). Anyhoo, it was a rainy day, I was reading this lovely book, The School of Essential Ingredients by Erica Bauermeister, and just relaxing. It was pretty much perfect. J and S were at home napping, so I didn't miss out on anything with them either!

3. I used to be addicted to chocolate. Like, I had to eat a little something chocolate EVERY DAY or I could not make it through that day. When I was pregnant, I often indulged in Baskin Robbins Chocolate Fudge Ice Cream Milkshakes, because a) HELLO, PREGNANT, b) MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE, and c) HOT FROM 1,000 DEGREE HEAT IN SAN ANTONIO SUMMER AND DID I MENTION I WAS PREGNANT?! I say "used to be," because the weirdest thing happened about a year ago. I just stopped craving chocolate. I didn't need to have it every day, or even every week. I've sometimes gone weeks without having any! I have no idea how, after 36 years, my body just stopped craving it, but it did. I still eat chocolate occasionally, but I no longer seek it out and go crazy when I do have it.

4. Weirder still, I've begun craving two things alternately in the place of chocolate. For awhile, it was candy, such as Spree or Sweet Tarts or Sour Patch Kids. Then, I switched and began craving chips and salsa. All the time. Like, planning our meals out around which restaurant has the best chips and salsa!

5. In November, we're taking a big family vacation (the three of us, plus the grandparentals!) to Walt Disney World. We're going to spend five days visiting the parks and then a few days and Thanksgiving with my 74-year-old widowed aunt, my mom's sister. I'm super excited, not just because it will be S and J's first visit to WDW, but because it will be my fourth visit and first in 17 years! The grandparentals are coming along to take care of S when she gets tired, but I want to keep going!

6. Next month, my husband and I will have lived in our house for six years. THIS IS THE LONGEST I HAVE EVER LIVED ANYWHERE. Growing up an Air Force brat, I was used to moving every three years. While I love our house, I now seriously have the desire to move, partially because since S's arrival I feel like we need more room, partially because we think we might want to live in a different area when S starts elementary school in two years, but mostly because I have the itch to move and have a new place to decorate and an opportunity to clean out stuff that has been accumulating in our house for six years! And yes, I realize I could just clean out that stuff on my own without moving, but come on! Like I'm going to do that! Silly.

7. I am a picky eater. I do not eat fruits or most vegetables. I am a steak-loving carnivore. I KNOW. Very unhealthy and weird. Now, for the record, I enjoy the flavor of most fruits, but I do not enjoy chewing the texture of fruits. So I drink LOTS of fruit juice instead of eating fruit straight up (I also take vitamins and drink health shakes). Of vegetables, I eat peas and green beans. And that's pretty much it. Again, it's a texture thing. I have been this way as long as I can remember. As a kid, I also did not like pizza or any seafood, but started liking more of these foods in high school. My poor parents, who eat most anything, did not know what to do with me growing up. I special-ordered everywhere we went! And my food things are so crazy, such as I won't eat a tomato (always take it off my burger order) but I love ketchup and salsa.

8. Bananas freak me out. Obviously, I don't eat them (see #7 above). I think my reaction to them is severe because I had a potassium deficiency when I was five and the remedy the doctor prescribed was I had to eat bananas. A LOT OF THEM. My mother had to basically force me to eat them since I didn't like them and it was traumatic for me! Ironically, bananas are my daughter's very favorite food (I should mention my daughter is not a picky eater at all, thank goodness, and my husband and I go out of our way to feed her all kinds of fruits and veggies-bananas, apples, oranges, corn, peas, sweet potatoes, and watermelon are her faves. I want her to be a better eater than me!) When I peel a banana for S and give it to her, I work very hard to look normal and then when I turn to walk away I usually shudder a little and have to wash my hands! LOL

9. I was a Girl Scout for only one year. My mother and my best friend's mother were the co-leaders for our Brownie troop. When both our moms decided not to be troop leaders the next year, my friend and I quit too! I don't think I was really cut out for Girl Scouts, as I'm what you call "Naturally Indoorsy."

10. I've informed my husband recently that we are going to Paris in Spring 2013. I will be turning 40 then (EEK!) and S will start Kindergarten that fall, so it will be our last time to do a big trip during a school year and avoid crowds. And I love Paris and I will be turning 40 (OMIGOD!), so we have to go! We're doing Disney this year and our big trip next year will be Canada, since we go there every other year to visit my husband's family, and I haven't been to Paris since 2002 (our honeymoon in 2004 does not count, as we flew in to Paris and took a train from the airport directly to Lyon-hubby didn't even plan for us to spend a day in Paris because I'd already been there twice!). Really, I want to go spend a few days in Paris and then take a train and visit some other areas of France. Mostly, I want to take S to another continent...I was lucky to live in England when I was her age and think it's great for her to get exposure to other cultures while she's young.

First night of our honeymoon, Lyon, France 2004-we look so young and happy!

So that's enough randomness for now. If you have read my blog randomly or regularly this year, I thank you and hope you'll comment from time to time. If you have commented on anything on my blog, I've really enjoyed our interactions!

So to help me celebrate my blogiversary, please tell me about yourself! What's in heavy rotation on your iPod? What's the best book you've read lately? Any weird food habits? Planning any dream vacations? I really want to know!!

Break the Funk: Ask Glam-O-Mommy

Glam-O-Readers, I've been in a bit of a funk this past week. Not sure if it's a post-baby's birthday letdown or pre-mother-in-law's visit meltdown (Cannot. Keep. House. Clean. EEK) or if it's a I'm-Working-on-Two-High-Level-and-Highly-Annoying-Projects-at-Work-That-Will-Never-End breakdown, or just the fact that I haven't had a vacation since February and Jamaica is still 20 days away.

The funk has extended to my blog. I keep starting posts, getting a few paragraphs in, and then setting them aside, unsure if I want to declare my thoughts and feelings on a variety of topics...just at a bit of a loss as to what to say.

So, I'm looking to you for ideas...what do you WANT to know about me? Or any thoughts/positions/opinions I have on anything related to motherhood or anything else? I reserve the right to not answer certain questions, as I'm obviously protecting my privacy a little bit here, but other than that, ask away. I'm generally an open book in real life, and am curious what you want to know about me, based on what you've already read/seen here.

Post your questions in the comments...and I'll post a response blog answering the questions soon!

Come on...you know you want to ask me something! Here's your chance. :)