Still Good in the World

The world changed irrevocably on September 11, 2001. While I didn't lose anyone I personally knew in the terrorist attacks at the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and in Pennsylvania, I lost the belief that living in the United States meant being protected from outside forces of evil, that being an American meant things usually worked out okay. I was incredibly naive, obviously, bad things happen in America and to Americans all the time (e.g., Oklahoma City, Columbine, etc.). But 9/11 just destroyed any sense I had that things would usually work out and be okay.

On September 11, 2001, I was single, 28 years old, working, and had moved in with my parents after my Daddy had retired from the Air Force and they moved back to San Antonio. The first year they lived here I spent three to four nights a week at their house eating dinner, so it made sense to move in with them and save all that rent money for traveling and other adventures. In fact, I had a solo trip to Paris planned for February 2002.

The morning of 9/11, I was driving to work, listening to a CD in my car. When it ended, I switched over to the radio and heard the normally jovial DJs talking in somber tones about a plane hitting the World Trade Center. When I walked into my office, I headed for our conference room to turn on the TV and see what was going on. I found all of my coworkers already assembled, watching the news, some crying. Grasping the main details of the crash, I called my mother, who I knew was still asleep at home, and told her to get up and turn on the TV, something big was happening. Then, I called my Daddy at work to make sure he had heard. When I stepped back into the conference room, the second plane hit. Then, the Pentagon.

Realizing the United States was really under attack sent me into shock. I couldn't and didn't cry, not that day, not the first week, not the second week after. On Friday the 14th, I had plans to drive to Dallas, spend a night with my sorority sister and her family, then drive over to Granbury the next day and spend the night with my aunt before coming home on Sunday. My mom didn't want me to go, which now as a parent myself I totally understand-she didn't want me out of her sight, she wanted to know I was safe-but I didn't want to change my plans and felt bad for my aunt, who was all alone. My uncle, working in Poland as a contractor for the U.S. Treasury department, was stuck abroad and unable to fly home.

I listened to the 9/11 national memorial service on the drive to Dallas. 9/11 was all we talked about all weekend. I still couldn't cry. My sorority sister couldn't either, which made me feel better. When I got home, I slipped into what was definitely depression. I would go to work, then come straight home and immediately change into my pajamas, and watch the news and TV curled up on the couch in the family room with my parents. At the end of the second week after 9/11, I started crying and crying, about every 9/11 story on the news, in the paper, whatever. My mom, who cried the first two weeks and was starting to get over it, couldn't understand why it was all hitting me then, but it was. Then, I talked to my best friend from college and discovered that her first cousin died in the North Tower. He was on the 92nd floor. I had no idea anyone I knew had a direct connection to the attacks. I felt awful I hadn't known about her cousin. I made a contribution to a scholarship set up by his company in his name. I never told my friend. I just wanted to do something.

I don't remember what CD I was listening to in the car the morning of the attacks, but on my drive to Dallas, I heard a version of "Walk On" by U2 with audio of 9/11 interspersed through it. I bought the CD and played "Walk On" obsessively, on repeat, for the next three months, on my way to and from work. The lyrics, to me, spoke directly to the situation, and how I was feeling, and while I was listening obsessively in my depression, the song helped me heal.

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Still, what lingered was this sense that life would never be the same. That life would never be as good as it had been before 9/11.

I went through with my solo trip to Paris in Feburary 2002 (couldn't let the terrorists win), but I didn't enjoy it as much as my first visit in 2000. Instead of wanting to lose myself in Parisian life and culture as I did before, I felt my American-ness more keenly. Instead of enjoying my own company and the thrill of adventure, I just felt isolated and homesick. I was suspicious of people in airports, in the streets, on boat rides. I think I was still pretty depressed, and being alone, in a country questioning America's decision to go to war, did not help the situation. I was happy and relieved to get home safely.

Slowly, after that trip, my depression began to subside and the tide began to turn back to the good. In fact, amazingly, all the best moments of my life have happened in the last 10 years. In November 2002, I met my now-husband. We got engaged in 2003 and married in 2004. (We honeymooned in Lyon, France, and Geneva, Switzerland. It was a much better trip.) In 2008, we became the parents of our beautiful daughter, the light of my life.

In our wedding ceremony, the reverend, who was the chaplain at my university and who was and is a very dear man with a gift for uplifting messages, said something completely unexpected and perfect, that just hit me right in the heart and brought tears to my eyes at the time. He said that despite all that had happened in the last few years (obviously referring to 9/11 and the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq), that there was still good in the world and we should always look for the good. I love that, and love that he included it in his message during our wedding.

9/11 and the person I was at that time seems like a lifetime ago, not just 10 years. I can still see how our world has changed forever as a result of it. I am still changed because of it, although I no longer think about it every day, as I did for a long time. Every year around the anniversary, I have to force myself not to watch remembrance specials, because I see the footage and hear the recollections and the memories flood back. My chest tightens; I can't breathe. I have to stop watching. But I'll never forget.

I am actually going to be in Granbury this weekend, the weekend of the 9/11 anniversary. I am going up there for work and am staying with my aunt and uncle while there. When I made the plans to go, I didn't even connect the dates and the fact it was the 10-year anniversary to my trip. It seems like, as Oprah would say, a "full-circle moment."

Most likely, I will play "Walk On" on my iPod in the car on the drive up and remember. I will pray for those we lost that day and for those we've lost in war since. I will pray for those who loved all of them. I will pray for our country and for peace. And I will remember there's still good in the world. And I will thank God for all the blessings in my life these last 10 years.

"Walk On" by U2


And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind


And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong


Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight


You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom


Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight


And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on


Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the heart is


And I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on


Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind...

From America: A Tribute to Heroes, U2, "Walk On," Live from London, September 2001

"Getting to Know You, Getting to Know All About You..."

I never did this on Facebook, so I thought I would share a list of 25 random facts about me here on my blog.

1. I am an only child.

2. My parents come from large Southern families. My daddy is the oldest of six boys, while my mother is the eighth of 10 children. I have 16 first cousins on my mom's side of the family and I'm the oldest of seven first cousins on my dad's side. In the incredibly small Alabama town my parents are from, I'm literally related to everyone in town in some way by blood or marriage, on one side of the family or the other.

3. My husband is Canadian. Yes, he plays hockey. No, he does not say "eh?" at the end of sentences.

4. I grew up an Air Force brat. We moved every three years until I got to high school. I attended four elementary schools, two junior highs, and one high school.

5. I lived in England from age three to six. From this, I gained a love of drinking tea and British comedies.

6. My dream from age 14 on was to travel to Paris. I finally went at age 26, on a vacation with a girlfriend. It was all I wanted it to be and more. I've been back once on a solo vacation at age 28. My husband and I flew into Paris on our honeymoon when I was 31, but did not stay there, as we were on our way to Lyon and Chambery, France, and Geneva, Switzerland instead. We had a fabulous time, but I wish we'd at least spent a day in Paris! I can't wait to take my husband and daughter there in a few years.

7. I've taken 12 years of ballet (two en pointe), 11 years of tap, several years of jazz, and two years of hip hop. I also spent three years on my high school dance team, one year on my college dance team, and another year on my college country and western dance team. In case it isn't obvious, I like to dance.

8. I was the Salutatorian of my high school graduating class of 835 people.

9. I majored in Communications and English and minored in Speech at a private liberal arts university. I call it the Everything-But-Math-and-Science degree plan.

10. My grandma taught me to drive her car when I was 15. My papa continued my driving lessons on his tractor, four-wheeler, and truck. I love being able to say I've driven a tractor!

11. My all-time favorite movies are When Harry Met Sally, Say Anything, and Moonstruck, followed closely by the original Star Wars trilogy. Seriously.

12. When I was a kid, I liked to play school. I had a little chalkboard and some used elementary textbooks. I was always the teacher and made my friends write sentences when they misbehaved in class. They actually did it. That's me, always having to be in charge LOL.

13. I've been a chronic nail biter all my life. As a kid, I bit my fingernails AND my toenails. (I was a lot more flexible then than I am now!) Twelve years ago, tired of my hands always looking ugly, I started wearing acrylic nails, and that pretty much ended the biting.

14. My husband is the fourth guy I've dated with his first name. Granted one of those guys was a guy I went steady with in 7th grade, but the other two were more serious relationships in high school, including my first love. It's part of the reason I went out with my husband originally. I thought, "Well, I've always had good luck with guys named ______."

15. I had an imaginary friend until I started elementary school. He was a little boy named Moochie, based on something from the original Mickey Mouse Club. My parents just acted like he was part of the family. In fact, he traveled all over England with us when we lived there. I talked to him all the time. When I started kindergarten, I told my parents Moochie had gone to live with his grandmother and that was the end of that.

16. I took three years of piano lessons as a kid. I wish I had taken more.

17. This is my favorite number. It's also my birthday. My husband wears this number when he plays hockey now in my honor.

18. In third grade, we had a weekly spelling bee in our class. I won every week except one (I misspelled 'February' and have never gotten over it--darn, confusing "r" after "b"!) the first semester. To give other kids a chance at winning, my teacher let me call the words for the bee the next semester. As usual, I enjoyed being in charge!

19. I took five years of French while living in San Antonio. I know, I know. I should've taken Spanish, and after 24 years here, I've got a passing basic knowledge of it, but I love France and all things French (see #6). And I married a Canadian who went to French Immersion school as a kid and is fluent in French, so see? It all worked out!!

20. My first job, besides babysitting, was at a Po Folks Restaurant when I was 18. I was a cashier/hostess, and my uniform consisted of jeans, a dress shirt, a bow tie, and suspenders. By the end of the summer, my jeans were tight because I gained probably five to 10 pounds from eating fries with ranch dressing on my breaks. Luckily, I weighed only 112 pounds when I started working there (oh, those were the days!!!) so I could afford to gain it.

21. In sixth grade, it was all Duran Duran, all the time in my world. I was in love with John Taylor, while other friends claimed Nick Rhodes and Simon Le Bon. No one wanted Andy Taylor or Roger Taylor, although I always thought Roger was kind of cute too.

22. When the Thriller album was popular,  I once attended a "Michael Jackson Night" at my favorite skating rink wearing a white sequin-covered glove on my left hand. To my credit, this glove was from a pair I had to wear when I was a dancing snowflake in the pantomime performance section of The King and I (also the source of the title of this post) at a community theatre a few years before--I didn't make it special for the night or anything. Boys kept skating up to me and asking if they could wear it, so I told them they could have the right-hand glove of the pair, but since that was the wrong hand, none of them wanted it. I also won a poster of Michael Jackson during a drawing that evening! (RIP Michael.)

23. My senior year of high school I tried out for and was accepted into the teen modeling board at one of the local malls. We did a few runway shows throughout the year and mannequin modeling in stores and around the mall at other times. Mannequin modeling is where you pretend you are one of the store dummies and freeze into position for 10 minutes or so at a stretch and try not to laugh or move as customers come up and make funny faces at you. It's hard! At our final runway show of the year, Kelly Ripa, who was new to All My Children at the time, made a personal appearance at the mall as part of our show. She was probably 20 at the time. She hung out in the changing area with all of us teen models and was very nice and friendly, just like you see on TV today. It's amazing to see where her career has taken her!

24. I am really good at picking things up with my toes. I've done this for years, but it REALLY comes in handy when you are holding a baby and don't want to bend down to pick something up off the floor. Maybe I will audition for the "Cool Tricks" section on Yo Gabba Gabba!

25. I am a good ice skater, and an even better roller skater. Today, at 37, I still have a pair of ice skates and roller skates and have used both of them in the last five years (the ice skates more than the roller skates sadly). I cannot wait until my daughter is old enough to learn to skate, so I get to indulge my passion for skating more frequently!

Bonus Random Fact: I only follow one sports team: the four-time NBA Champion San Antonio Spurs! They are the best and my love for them knows no bounds.

Looking back over this list, I'm not sure it's very glamorous. Maybe my name should be Nerd-O-Mommy?!?! :)